Only Time...

So I've been conversing with E for most of the day today, and I don't think I've read an email from him and not smiled. Even my desk neighbor made a comment that I must be having a good conversation because I kept smiling, and it's true. We really weren't talking about much of real substance, just the usual getting to know you kind of stuff, but it made me happy. I know how he feels about me, and that at this point it really is up to me how far this goes.

I feel myself moving on from THE BOY and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I understand that I can't wait around and put my life on hold for him, or for anyone, ever again but it doesn't stop the fact that I can still see what we were and what we could be. I realize that the worst way to live life is by could've and would've and should've, and I normally do a really good job at not being that way but right now I'm doing a bit of wallowing in it. I gave so much of myself to that relationship because I trusted him, and that's not something that comes easily to me. I trusted when he told me that I made him happy and he wouldn't hurt me and that he's not going anywhere… and now I just feel like a fool for it.

I've been talking to him on and off this afternoon as well, and the difference is that where E has made me smile, THE BOY has made me want to pull my hair out and scream. He says he's not trying to be confusing and yet that's exactly what he's doing.

My plan for this weekend is to be and to have fun. I was stressing a bit over what would happen with E and I this weekend, and I've realized that at this point it doesn't matter. Whatever happens will happen because I want it to, and whatever doesn't will not happen because that's how I want it. I like E, and I could see myself really liking him. Him and THE BOY are different on so many levels, but in a lot of them they're different in good ways.

I suppose only time will tell…