Confessions of a Stupid Girl

So I started this awhile ago, and haven't done it in awhile, I think I'll do another!

Confessions:
#1~ I know you're fire, I've known it from the beginning, and yet I can't seem to walk away

#2~ I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way you were last night, it had my stomach in knots the whole night.

#3~ There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind.

#4~ It was so hard to not touch you last night, just something simple, but I knew I couldn't

#5~ Everytime you'd grab my hand when you walked by all I could do was smile

#6~ The things you said to me made me feel things that I swore I'd never feel for you.

#7~ I don't know how much longer I can do this.

#8~ As bad as this makes me feel, for all the obvious reasons, the idea of walking away hurts

#9~ Why did we start this? Both of us knew we were and are trouble for the other

#10~ There is so much about you that should make me mad, that should make me want to run away, and yet I sit and think about the next time we'll have time.

#11~ When is this going to implode?

#12~ I wonder if you realize, like I do, that this will never end well… it can't.

#13~ I've managed to keep my heart safe from you, at least I think I have

#14~ I know you did what you felt and thought you had to

#15~ I told you once in the very beginning that you wanted both worlds, the one where you did what was right, and the one where you did what was right for you, because they aren't the same thing… I told you then you'd have to make a choice, you still do.

#16~ I wonder how you'd react if I ended all this…

#17~ Then I worry that there won't be any reaction at all, that thought scares the shit out of me for some reason

#18~ When I turned around last night and saw you my stomach dropped for a second… how do you have that ability?!

#19~ I wonder what would have been had we met a few years ago, would it have clicked the way it has now?

#20~ I realize that I'm probably going to be the one who ends up hurting you, and then again I wonder if you'd even be hurt or just move on

#21~ I hate thinking that's all I am, even though that's all I should be

I'm so sorry...

So I have debated about blogging about this for several reasons, mainly because it's very personal to me, but this is my blog and I can do or say what I want to. Right? Right. So here it goes…

There was a person in my life not that long ago, we'll call him Oops. We'd been friends for quite awhile, a couple years at the least. He really was one of my best friends, just someone that was always there when I needed to vent and always fun to hang out with. Everyone I knew had this "feeling" that he wanted a lot more from me then friendship, but I never saw it. Looking back now I think it was wishful thinking on my part, between The Boy and just that amount of confusion the last thing I wanted added to my life was the worry of hurting a really good friend. Well one night I made a mistake… after a bit too much alcohol, and a lot of feeling really alone, one thing led to another and we ended up making out for quite awhile. That was as far as it ever went, but it was a mistake. Not a mistake that I regretted it for happening, but more a mistake because I knew that the door I'd worked so hard to keep closed had been opened.

In the end, it all came out how he felt and I didn't know how to handle it. I made a huge mistake and lost one of the best friends I've ever known. At this point he won't even talk to me and I realize everyday how much I miss him, and being able to talk to him. I've tried to apologize numerous times, but it never gets me anywhere. The last apology I attempted to make didn't even get me a response, and the last thing I want to do is beg. I regret losing him so much, which in turn makes me reassess my feelings, but it's too late for any of that now and I realize that. I hate myself for it, but I realize it. I just wish I could repair some amount of friendship from all of this.

What got me thinking about this so much is the fact that a friend and I went and saw "The Holiday" Saturday night. (I do have to say, if you're a girl and you've ever dated that wrong guy, see this movie. You will love it!! There were parts where I was tearing up, and I related so well to it, it was scary!!) While watching the move and watching Jack Black's character on screen, I realized something… I realized that's what "Oops" was to me. He was that guy… you know the one, the one that can make you laugh no matter what is going on, the one that can tell you you look beautiful even when you have no make up on and you hair in a ponytail, the one that you know will always be true to you because they love you that much. I think there was actually a time when watching that movie that I teared up just because I was thinking so much about that. It was very hard for me to not pick up my phone at the end of the movie and beg him to forgive me, to give me another chance… something that I know he'll never do. I hurt him, and sadly I hurt him more then I ever thought I could hurt someone. I always thought he was that really great guy who I just wasn't attracted to, who didn't fit the mold of what I wanted in my life, but now I realize how stupid I was. I let the one person who actually got me, all of me, and let me just be walk away. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that… if I'll ever forgive myself for not giving him that chance, the one that he truly deserved. I do know that I will never be able to watch "Chasing Amy" and get to that scene in the rain with out crying. In fact, I feel myself tearing up here at work… gah.

I'm so sorry… I just want to keep saying that until it gets through, until I can make him see how much I honestly mean it and the fact that I've changed, that I've grown from that. I need some serious help….

I've returned from my abduction...

Well ok, so I wasn't really abducted... but I tried really hard to come up with a good excuse for my absence and found nothing. I suppose my best excuse is simply the truth, which is that I've not been in the mood to blog lately. I've been tired, and cranky and just stressed... which is funny cuz you think that would make me want to blog, but really it just made me want to hide in my room, under my covers.

The lovely doctors at Urgent Care last night decided I have strep throat. Oh wonderful!! So I've been dealing with the wonders of a sore throat, stuffy nose and slight fever. AND to add insult to injury, anyone ever realize that strep can cause a rash of sorts?? Well, it can. In all the years that I've had strep, and I used to get it religiously every year as a kid, I never got a rash with it... but now, now I look like I have really bad heat rash all over my body. It's hot, let me tell you!! Thankfully it's not on my neck or face, so thanks to the wonderful Wisconsin winters I've been able to hide under sweaters. I've also not been able to sleep the past 2 nights. It appears my body has decided that I only need about 10 minutes/hour of sleep. So therefore if I actually lay down to get about 6 hours of sleep, I'm averaging about an hour a night. Doesn't that sound wonderful? So basically I'm existing on caffeine, little sleep, and antibiotics.

Other then that, nothing too exciting has been going on in my world. Same issues with men that are, well always issues. I have decided I want to get my degree and be a Guidance Counselor, as soon as I figure out how to live and go to school. But I suppose at this point that's the extent of what's going on in my world. I'll update more when I'm feeling a bit better.