And it appears I've been resurrected

While I would love to say that there has been some great reason as to why I've been lost for over a month, there isn't. I've been running circles around myself lately, and I've been doing a lot of "soul-searching" too I suppose. It just kind of made finding the time to blog a little difficult. I have however been thinking about why it was I started this blog. I started it because it gave me a sense of anonymity to speak my mind and my feelings without fear of retribution, and it gave me a place to vent and let go without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how few people in my life really understand and know all the sides of who I am; they all see what they either want to see, or what I allow them to see. Now this isn't to say that I hide who I really am, or anything along those lines, it's more that I just don't dare give power to people so that they have insecurities to use against me. Somehow that falls away here in blogland, because I could pass many of you on the street and not know who you are and we all seem to be a little more understanding, a little more accepting here then in the "real world".

On that note, The Boyfriend and I were watching America's Next Top Model last night between the commercials on American Idol and got into a discussion about the "weight issue". To add to that, this morning while I was driving to work they were having a discussion about weight on the station I normally listen to, so weight is in the forefront of my thoughts today. This topic has always been a touchy one for me, and I've come to terms with the fact that it probably always will be. Growing up I was a large child, always had been. I learned early on in my life that I don't have much in the way of a metabolism, I'm one of those unlucky ones. The joke that I've had since high school is that I can look at a candy bar and gain 5 pounds, sadly I think that might be true. I was big through all of my childhood though, and as anyone can attest to, children can be cruel. I'm fairly certain the only thing that got me through those times was the fact that I had a great personality, and a sense of humor. It made it so that people were just a tad bit less cruel then they may have been to anyone else, and it also helped me secure my place in the "cool crowd" all through middle school. While I realize how shallow that may sound, and even how petty, it wasn't meant that way. To be honest, it probably only made my life a fraction easier then if I'd been considered an out cast. The truth is though, it helped because at least the full force of their destruction wasn't set on me... there was always someone "below me". I suppose that in itself could be an entry... the cruel realities of middle school.

But... I'm digressing...

My freshman year of high school something in me changed. I stopped caring about what other people thought as much, and I became determined to change for me. Between Novemeber of that year, to the beginning of the next school year I'd lost a lot of weight. I'd honestly transformed into another person. That summer I'd completely closed myself off from most of the people I normally hung out with, and I concentrated on me. The results were amazing, for me. I won't say that I turned into Barbie, because I didn't, but compared to what I had been... I was pretty damn close. I had managed to maintain that weight well after that, and I was very proud of myself. And then something changed, stress hit and normally where I'd gain weight I lost. I know many people who would love this, but for me, I looked sick. I'm short (barely over 5'2") but I don't have the body structure of an overly petite girl. I dropped too much weight, luckily for me my face never took on that gaunt look, my eyes never hollowed out. I did however end up with the protruding hip bones, and the sunken in collar bones, and ribs showing if I moved a certain way. The problem was, when I looked in the mirror I still saw fat, I still saw something that wasn't there. That's when I realized I had a problem. I have put weight on since then, which is a good thing. However, I still hate the way I look. I'll admit I could stand to lose about 10 pounds, which I'm working on, but in the back of my mind I know that even when I lose that weight, I still won't think I look good enough... it will always be 10 more pounds. The obsession slightly scares me, but the only good thing that I've learned is that I don't take it to the extreme... I've never starved myself, never made myself throw up... but this still can't and isn't healthy. It's just sad... why do we put ourselves through this? What makes it so hard for us to be happy with our accomplishments and accepting of what we look like?