Weekend

So I apologize, I've been a stranger lately. I've just had a lot going on and no time for anything it seems.

**Weekend Update**

I'll start a little early since something worth mentioning happened on Thursday.

*Thursday*
At 3am my phone goes off, it's a text tone I know all too well. THE BOY wants to know if he can come over and talk, he has things he wants to say. So of course, I let him…I realize I have no clue why I backed down and let him come over, I guess there was a part of my half asleep mind that still wanted to see what he had to say. I get the usual I really missed you while I was gone, I really think about you a lot and all the usual. I can honestly say that I don't know how I feel. I really feel like he isn't going to be ready to give me anything near what I need or want in the near future and I don't have the urge to wait around for him.

So I ended up being up from 3am on that morning… and yes Friday was the day I was leaving work at noon to go up and see E and I was on 5 hours of sleep for what was going to be a very long night.

*Friday*
Suffer through the 4 hours of work, I had no one to talk to as my desk partner was off that day and K had taken the day off, as had E. Grab a quick bite to eat and head to K's to meet her and T to head up.

I don't think I remembered how much I had liked being around E until I was up there again. To spare all of the details, it was very sweet and I smiled a lot. =)

Well that was until the multiple bottles of wine, straight whiskey and punch kicked my ass. Needless to say I blacked out and don't remember several hours, and ended up getting sick…lovely, and passing out on E's friends couch. Once I woke up I was completely fine again, so apparently I need to stay away from the damn wine.

*Saturday*
I didn't want to leave, once I woke up and started having parts of what I'd forgotten told to me. K wanted me to stay, but I couldn't ditch out on Shebelle and the party. So I headed down (several hours later then I should have) and had a good time at the party. My hair looked very cute and it was a good time, even if I was exhausted and decided to drive home at 3am…or wait I suppose at that point it really felt like 4am since we'd set the clocks back.

*Sunday*
I was lazy all day then went and saw The Departed, amazing movie I recommend to everyone. Then THE BOY text me to go see Saw 3 with him, and of course I had to go see it… I mean it's Saw 3!!! We had a good time, it was hard being around him and trying to make sure he saw it as us just being friends.

I'm not entirely sure what is going to happen but I know I really like E, but I have a very confusing situation going on with THE BOY right now and I'm not sure what to make of it. I think he's trying to prove more to me, I can see it in little things that he's doing but I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. I care about him, and I don't want to hurt him but I just don't think it'll work anymore. He's not anywhere near being ready to give me what I want and need, and I think there might be too much negative there for that to happen. He wants me in this limbo and I don't know what to make of it all. I'm going to have to push this just friends thing, and really hold my ground on this one. Aghhh…

Cigarettes by The Wreckers

"Cigarettes"
Got my headlights shining
Down an old dirt road
Smoke my cigarettes
I should quit I know
The radio's playing
Old country songs
Someone's leaving, someone's cheating
On and onI think
I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

[Chorus]'Cause someday maybe
Somebody will love me like I need
And someday I won't have to prove'
Cause somebody will see
all my worth but until then
I'll do just fine on my own
With my cigarettes
And this old dirt road

See I left another
Good man tonight
I wonder if he'll miss me
Lord knows I tried
But I think that maybe
The thing that I did wrong
Was put up with his bullshit
For far too long
I think I might like
The quiet nights
Of this empty life

[Chorus]

I ain't gonna sleep
I ain't gonna dream
About the things that I used to need
I ain't gonna cry
Or go on living lies
I'm just gonna drive

[Chorus 2x]

Only Time...

So I've been conversing with E for most of the day today, and I don't think I've read an email from him and not smiled. Even my desk neighbor made a comment that I must be having a good conversation because I kept smiling, and it's true. We really weren't talking about much of real substance, just the usual getting to know you kind of stuff, but it made me happy. I know how he feels about me, and that at this point it really is up to me how far this goes.

I feel myself moving on from THE BOY and I'm not really sure how I feel about that. I understand that I can't wait around and put my life on hold for him, or for anyone, ever again but it doesn't stop the fact that I can still see what we were and what we could be. I realize that the worst way to live life is by could've and would've and should've, and I normally do a really good job at not being that way but right now I'm doing a bit of wallowing in it. I gave so much of myself to that relationship because I trusted him, and that's not something that comes easily to me. I trusted when he told me that I made him happy and he wouldn't hurt me and that he's not going anywhere… and now I just feel like a fool for it.

I've been talking to him on and off this afternoon as well, and the difference is that where E has made me smile, THE BOY has made me want to pull my hair out and scream. He says he's not trying to be confusing and yet that's exactly what he's doing.

My plan for this weekend is to be and to have fun. I was stressing a bit over what would happen with E and I this weekend, and I've realized that at this point it doesn't matter. Whatever happens will happen because I want it to, and whatever doesn't will not happen because that's how I want it. I like E, and I could see myself really liking him. Him and THE BOY are different on so many levels, but in a lot of them they're different in good ways.

I suppose only time will tell…

Well

So please explain to me why you tell someone you need time, and then proceed to talk to them every night you're gone?!?!!? If you need time away from us so bad to work through things then what good is texting me every night going to do? UGH. I seriously don't get it.

On another note, I've made some very interesting plans for this weekend and I'm really looking forward to them. I'm refusing to put my life on hold until someone else figures out if I fit into their life. I spent 4 years on the back burner to someone elses issues and I'm not doing it again. So I'm going on a little road trip to see E. I'm excited about this, and I'm strangely excited to see him. He makes me smile, and he was there for me when I needed someone and THE BOY refused to be there. We shall see what happens. Who knows, maybe I'll realize what I really needed this whole time is right in front of me. =)

Confessions Part 2

#21:
I miss you

#22:
He's going to be there Friday night, and I wanted to tell you that before you left. I wanted to make sure you knew you weren't my only option. But I didn't, I couldn't hurt you like that.

#23:
Everyone keeps telling me I deserve so much better, that until you grow up you won't be who anyone needs... and I mean everyone

#24:
When you see the pics from Halloween, yes I was trying to show you what you're missing

#25:
You've made me question myself and I hate that

#26:
There are things about my past I've never told you, things that have shaped me

#27:
I hate that you didn't fight for me

#28:
Listen to the song "How Far", you'll understand it all

#29:
I can't stop thinking about him

#30:
I always worried I wasn't good enough for you

#31:
I realize now, I'm probably too good for you

#32:
I'm tired of wondering where you are

#33:
I wish you would've called, at least to say good bye

#34:
I sent you that email last night because I needed to say goodbye, it might be the last time

#35:
How can you tell her you love me and not me?

#36:
I would've stood by anything you wanted

#37:
As much as I know you want it, if it hasn't happened for you yet it may never happen. I know you're good enough, and I have faith in you but I don't think you've had the ambition to do it so far, and if you want to do it then just do it!!!

#38:
I have no idea if I'll ever be able to forgive you completely

#39:
Your friends are on my side

#40:
I really hope you miss me.

Everything Changes

I was talking to my Mom today and she said something that really kind of made me think. She said that we all have plans when we're younger of where our lives will be, but that as we grow life changes our plans and you can either go with them or fight them and end up hurting.

Thinking about it, I've never heard anything that made more sense. If you would've asked me 6 years ago where I'd be when I was 22 I would've told you that I was starting out in the world of education. I'd have finished up my teaching degree and found some great job at a middle school somewhere and be in my first year teaching.

The reality of it is that by 22 I've never finished school, broken off my engagement, work at some job at a Telecommunications company that I hate, and struggle to pay my bills. That's my reality... quite a step off from what my "plan" was. However, instead of sitting here pouting and regretting all of my past decisions I embrace them. They've made me who I am today, and for that I will always be grateful. I'm a generally happy person and I love all of the people that I have in my life that I never would've met had my life gone the way I'd planned. I never would've met the person who has become a sister to me, a family when I needed someone to lean on. That right there is enough reason for me to be happy my life changed course.

Yes I plan on going back to school, but the degree I want has changed dramatically. Instead of teaching, I want my psychology degree. Who knows maybe I'll go on and become a child psychologist, or maybe I'll just become a counselor like I've been thinking. I don't really know right now, but I do know that I won't stress out about the things to come.

My Dad has taught me in this past year that life is too short to stress about the small things, because you never know when you'll wake up one day and someone that you love will be gone, or you'll end up with a disease that will forever change your life and those of the people around you.

Like Tim McGraw says, "Live Like You Were Dying".

Confessions Part 1

This seemed like some good therapy so I think it'll be an ongoing thing here =) Enjoy!!

#1:
I'm fairly sure a part of me loved you before we ever started dating.

#2:
I love how we can talk for hours, and it feels like no time has passed

#3:
I started to resent you when you started to pull away from me, I think a part of me actually started to fall out of love with you.

#4:
It felt good when you got so upset at the thought of losing me, as much as I hated seeing you so upset, I loved that for the first time in a long time you showed me some emotion.

#5:
After 4 years of an emotionally abusive and draining relationship I went into this guarded, you proved to me that I needed to, but I fear it was already too late

#6:
That night I told you he wanted me? I let him kiss me. Not because I was drunk, not because I wanted him to... but because after telling you how much I needed you to come out with me that night, how much I needed to see you, you told me no. He was there, he was caring, he wanted to see me smile...
And for the record, when I tell you that I need to see you an acceptible answer is not that I can come over when I'm done, that makes me think you just know I'll be drunk and want sex.

#7:
I understand that people sometimes need time, I don't judge or resent you for that. I resent the fact that you pulled away from me and decided to not even try to open up to me.

#8:
I also know that you're going to regret this one day, because I won't wait around forever and you will not find someone like me again. I'm one of a kind, and you're right when you tell me I'm the best thing you've ever had... and the best you'll ever get... just saying...

#9:
I never pushed the subject of you going there with me, because a part of me didn't want you to. It was my safe haven, my hideout, and the place where I could go be free with my friends and get stupid. I never betrayed you down there, I just danced on bars and flirted a lot... I was able to let off steam

#10:
To be fair to you there is someone that I can't let go of, you'd never have to worry about him because he'll never let himself leave and I don't know if I'd ever be able to give him a fair chance, but we both know that there's something there.

#11:
I love you

#12:
I hate that you won't grow up, just that little bit. I understand your life isn't the way you thought it would be, but not being with me won't change that

#13:
I'm not their girlfriends, I won't ask you to leave your friends, and I'd never tell you not to do something.

#14:
I'm not your ex's either. I don't want you to be someone else, I don't want you to give up your dreams. I want to be there for you

#15:
I'm not crying over you anymore. I've cried way too much lately over you, and over us. I cried more then I thought I could on Monday, my tears are dried up.

#16:
I may have told you that I'll be in your life no matter what, but I can't go back to just being friends after all this time. I would miss you, but I will never be able to see you with someone else.

#17:
I resent the fact that you never thought to invite me, it's my hometown for fucks sake!!! Of course I'd want to go. Oh and for the record... that one blog you read that you asked what it was about?? I lied, it's about you.

#18:
If we don't work out, I may move. I miss home, I miss my sister, and I miss the city.

#19:
It's not my fault you're insecure. I've told you more times then I can count that I want you the way you are.

#20:
I don't believe that closing me off will help you sort things out, as you say. I think you will realize that you can't figure things out on your own. Maybe I'll be here... maybe I won't.

Time

Well it's happened, THE BOY and I decided to take a break. I know it's needed, I understand why it's needed. He needs to get his head together, and really so do I. I'm not blaming him, I'm not hating him, I'm not even mad at him. However, I cried from like 5pm last night to sometime way too late this morning. I look like a zombie today and I felt like someone kicked my ass when I woke up. You know the feeling, you wake up and your eyes are swollen and bloodshot. Yeah that was me this morning.

I wish I could be mad, I wish I could put that wall up that I spent so much time making for all those years. It seems to be failing me, that bitch that I know and love that normally comes out to protect me is failing me horribly. Instead I'm just this broken hearted, hysterical, alone female... and I hate it. I hate that I let him in so much, I hate that I didn't realize how much I let him in.

I can respect time, I can respect needing to get things together... but I do know myself enough to know that there will come a point where I will be closed off, I'll be closed off to letting him back in.

Essentially I feel like complete shit, and not too sure what else to say.

Gotta love Mondays...

or not so much. One good thing is that Beth informed me how to get the blogs I read to show up, I just had to switch to BETA. Yay!!! Thanks Beth =)

On other news, it's been a pretty typical Monday, which means crappy. I woke up this morning with my head feeling horrible, I really do hate colds. Other then that the days going pretty quick, only have 20 minutes left at work, always a bonus.

I really have nothing of interest to say today, as I'm about ready to fall asleep on my keyboard, but I'll leave you with this:

Why do men not understand that when you tell them to fuck off, you really do want them to go away??