Ok for some reason blogger won't let me title this post, I'm not sure what's up with that. I realize that I've been gone for quite awhile here, it's nothing more then laziness on my part, and the fact that I've been busier then hell lately. I feel like all I've been doing is running.

Anyway, I have a confession to make, so I figured I'd do the same type of thing I've done before... so here goes...

#1- I'm so in love with you it hurts, the idea and thought of losing you makes me sick to my stomach.

#2- You tell me you love me, you tell me you want to make this work, but how do I believe that?

I quit

I never meant to fall in love with you, I never meant for things to be this way. When you came into my life all I wanted was a friend, maybe someone to flirt with occasionally, to have fun with. We took that to the next level with out really thinking, with out really realizing what it would do to the both of us. When we went out that night I didn't mean to hurt you, I didn't know I could. Your anger was so thick that I found it best to hide from you, to pretend like I didn't notice. Yes I drank too much, yes I may have danced too much but you hurt me that night too. I didn't know you could do that to me, didn't know you could hurt me that way, but you did. It made me realize just how much I felt for you, just how much I needed you. Now where does that leave us?! Where do we go from here? Do I walk away and see what you do? Do I stay and wait? How much more pain do I need to endure?

And it appears I've been resurrected

While I would love to say that there has been some great reason as to why I've been lost for over a month, there isn't. I've been running circles around myself lately, and I've been doing a lot of "soul-searching" too I suppose. It just kind of made finding the time to blog a little difficult. I have however been thinking about why it was I started this blog. I started it because it gave me a sense of anonymity to speak my mind and my feelings without fear of retribution, and it gave me a place to vent and let go without worrying about hurting anyone's feelings. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how few people in my life really understand and know all the sides of who I am; they all see what they either want to see, or what I allow them to see. Now this isn't to say that I hide who I really am, or anything along those lines, it's more that I just don't dare give power to people so that they have insecurities to use against me. Somehow that falls away here in blogland, because I could pass many of you on the street and not know who you are and we all seem to be a little more understanding, a little more accepting here then in the "real world".

On that note, The Boyfriend and I were watching America's Next Top Model last night between the commercials on American Idol and got into a discussion about the "weight issue". To add to that, this morning while I was driving to work they were having a discussion about weight on the station I normally listen to, so weight is in the forefront of my thoughts today. This topic has always been a touchy one for me, and I've come to terms with the fact that it probably always will be. Growing up I was a large child, always had been. I learned early on in my life that I don't have much in the way of a metabolism, I'm one of those unlucky ones. The joke that I've had since high school is that I can look at a candy bar and gain 5 pounds, sadly I think that might be true. I was big through all of my childhood though, and as anyone can attest to, children can be cruel. I'm fairly certain the only thing that got me through those times was the fact that I had a great personality, and a sense of humor. It made it so that people were just a tad bit less cruel then they may have been to anyone else, and it also helped me secure my place in the "cool crowd" all through middle school. While I realize how shallow that may sound, and even how petty, it wasn't meant that way. To be honest, it probably only made my life a fraction easier then if I'd been considered an out cast. The truth is though, it helped because at least the full force of their destruction wasn't set on me... there was always someone "below me". I suppose that in itself could be an entry... the cruel realities of middle school.

But... I'm digressing...

My freshman year of high school something in me changed. I stopped caring about what other people thought as much, and I became determined to change for me. Between Novemeber of that year, to the beginning of the next school year I'd lost a lot of weight. I'd honestly transformed into another person. That summer I'd completely closed myself off from most of the people I normally hung out with, and I concentrated on me. The results were amazing, for me. I won't say that I turned into Barbie, because I didn't, but compared to what I had been... I was pretty damn close. I had managed to maintain that weight well after that, and I was very proud of myself. And then something changed, stress hit and normally where I'd gain weight I lost. I know many people who would love this, but for me, I looked sick. I'm short (barely over 5'2") but I don't have the body structure of an overly petite girl. I dropped too much weight, luckily for me my face never took on that gaunt look, my eyes never hollowed out. I did however end up with the protruding hip bones, and the sunken in collar bones, and ribs showing if I moved a certain way. The problem was, when I looked in the mirror I still saw fat, I still saw something that wasn't there. That's when I realized I had a problem. I have put weight on since then, which is a good thing. However, I still hate the way I look. I'll admit I could stand to lose about 10 pounds, which I'm working on, but in the back of my mind I know that even when I lose that weight, I still won't think I look good enough... it will always be 10 more pounds. The obsession slightly scares me, but the only good thing that I've learned is that I don't take it to the extreme... I've never starved myself, never made myself throw up... but this still can't and isn't healthy. It's just sad... why do we put ourselves through this? What makes it so hard for us to be happy with our accomplishments and accepting of what we look like?

Happy Valentine's Day

Hope everyone has a great Valentine's Day, single or otherwise!! I personally think this day hates me as I have managed to severly hurt my lip, my garbage disposal broke and the guy at the gas station must think I'm nuts as I tried to buy cigarettes I haven't smoked in years. And yes, I know I should quit... but seriously. The upside to my day is that the disposal should be fixed by the time I get home. I told The New Boy today that I'm gonna hop on a plane and just hide somewhere for awhile... I might not really have the money but I just don't give a fuck anymore. I'm burnt out and need to get away before I just snap... urgh. But the funny thing is that I'm in a great mood, just burnt out on work. I can't even remember the last vacation I took, if you want to be technical about it I think it was Senior year of high school. How sad is that?!

Now onto my story!! I'm sure you can remember me discussing The Ex... and I'm way too lazy to link that post but it's there somewhere. Anyway, we'd bought a car when we were together and it had both of our names on it. Well when I moved out I begged him to let me take the car because I was moving home and could afford it better then he could living with my father. However, he wanted to hurt me and keep everything, I think it was because it just gave him something to bitch about, cuz you know it took all his money to pay for everything and I was the evil bitch who left. Whatever. So I had found out that he hadn't really been paying on everything, and so they weren't too happy with him, obviously. Well when I finally got ahold of him he told me that it had been taken care of. I believe him, because what else am I supposed to do?!

Then I'm sitting at home one night and I get this knock on my door. No clue who this could be, because I usually know who's at my door before it happens. There's this guy standing there, yeah ends up being a repo guy looking for the car. Ok fine, so you fucked over my credit... it fucking sucks and honestly to ever get clear again we're looking at like bankruptcy... because I have way too much shit on there, but ok that's my fault I'll deal with whatever comes. HOWEVER, I then find out from this guy that The Ex has been dodging them for weeks now and they're about ready to issue bench warrants. Yeah, that means we sit jail time. I'm about this close to just losing it at this point, I was so visibly mad I was shaking. So I give the guy all the info I have, finding out that he's been to The Ex's fathers place several times and he won't tell him where The Ex is... now isn't that nice? The guy leaves, and I do some research on my own and come up with The Ex's address... well you can damn well guarantee that I called that in. So long story short they picked up the car... but seriously, you already fucked me over... do we really need to continue to do so?! I don't get it... this is why they just need to be banished because I can't take thier stupidity any longer. I'm telling you, I so wish that could've been a break-up that ended with goodbye...

OMG

Ok I don't have much time to post today... and I do want to apologize for being so sporadic but my computer has been fried at home for awhile now and I've been so busy at work I'm lucky I have time to breathe. However, I promise you an update sometime tomorrow because I have a story that I need to share... and it's about, what else, stupid ex's. I'm telling you I wish I could banish all of mine to Siberia... that might make my life a wee bit easier.

URGH

Ramblings

I used to think I knew what I wanted, used to think I had it. Then I realized that life was changing, things were changing and years just weren't enough to hold something together. I suffered heartache from that point on, suffered pain and tears... thought that I'd never find what I was looking for. And then, then I met you...

In such a short time you've given me hope, you've given me reasons to smile. You took my heart and you made me believe again. I don't think I could ever thank you enough, don't think I could ever show you the way you make me feel. When I'm with you my entire life seems to make sense, I'm a better person because you love me. The fact that you just understand, you get what I mean, that means more then anyone could imagine. You love me for me, all of me... something I never though I'd find.

Some people don't understand, they think they know what we should do. To them all I have to say is this, you aren't the ones that are in this, you aren't the ones making this work each day. The talks we have about anything and everything, the future, the present, the past... they mean the world to me. I love you baby, and thank you... for loving me, for getting me, and for giving me hope.

How fast is too fast?

You know I've never been one to believe in the whole love at first sight thing, I'm not that much of a hopeless romantic. I can't say that I've necessarily changed my mind on that but I can say that I've realized recently that time really has nothing to do with love. Sometimes when it's just there, it's there... and there isn't much you can do about it.

That's right everyone, I'm in love... and I know this because there isn't a day that goes by that those words don't almost slip out of my mouth when we're talking.
So when you hear Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...think of me.