Ok I think I died...

But I'm back now!!! I'm so sorry guys, it's not that I don't have stuff to blog about but I've just been completely busy. I seriously feel like I haven't quit running, even while I'm typing this I feel that way!! First off I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! My Christmas was good, even though right after it I ended up with the cold from Hell. Oh man, that was bad!! I seriously just felt like crawling in a hole and not getting out. Went from having strep, to this cold all within like 2 weeks... NOT FUN!!! Luckily though it was gone, for the most part, by New Years!!

To update everyone a bit, around the beginning of December I told all of the men in my life to take a hike. I had various reasons for each of them, but mainly they were just not healthy for me, and I couldn't do that anymore. I realized trying to have a friendship with The Boy was just exhausting and way too confusing, him not knowing what the heck he wanted anymore. He didn't handle it well, which is kind of funny when you think about the circumstances, and him being the one who did it all... but hey. So that was my goal to start the New Year stress free, and so far it's worked!!

So, I know you all want the juicy gossip... haha. I met up with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile on New Years Eve after he was done driving limo, Sweetie (this is just what I'm going with LOL). This boy is amazing people, I haven't stopped smiling since New Years, and I don't do giddy!! I haven't felt this way for someone in a long time, just this whole happiness thing. When I'm with him, I feel comfortable, happy, content... these are things that I never feel. I'm just hoping that I don't wake up one day and have all of this disappear!!

I'll update more when I get the chance, but back to work for me!!

Confessions of a Stupid Girl

So I started this awhile ago, and haven't done it in awhile, I think I'll do another!

Confessions:
#1~ I know you're fire, I've known it from the beginning, and yet I can't seem to walk away

#2~ I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way you were last night, it had my stomach in knots the whole night.

#3~ There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind.

#4~ It was so hard to not touch you last night, just something simple, but I knew I couldn't

#5~ Everytime you'd grab my hand when you walked by all I could do was smile

#6~ The things you said to me made me feel things that I swore I'd never feel for you.

#7~ I don't know how much longer I can do this.

#8~ As bad as this makes me feel, for all the obvious reasons, the idea of walking away hurts

#9~ Why did we start this? Both of us knew we were and are trouble for the other

#10~ There is so much about you that should make me mad, that should make me want to run away, and yet I sit and think about the next time we'll have time.

#11~ When is this going to implode?

#12~ I wonder if you realize, like I do, that this will never end well… it can't.

#13~ I've managed to keep my heart safe from you, at least I think I have

#14~ I know you did what you felt and thought you had to

#15~ I told you once in the very beginning that you wanted both worlds, the one where you did what was right, and the one where you did what was right for you, because they aren't the same thing… I told you then you'd have to make a choice, you still do.

#16~ I wonder how you'd react if I ended all this…

#17~ Then I worry that there won't be any reaction at all, that thought scares the shit out of me for some reason

#18~ When I turned around last night and saw you my stomach dropped for a second… how do you have that ability?!

#19~ I wonder what would have been had we met a few years ago, would it have clicked the way it has now?

#20~ I realize that I'm probably going to be the one who ends up hurting you, and then again I wonder if you'd even be hurt or just move on

#21~ I hate thinking that's all I am, even though that's all I should be

I'm so sorry...

So I have debated about blogging about this for several reasons, mainly because it's very personal to me, but this is my blog and I can do or say what I want to. Right? Right. So here it goes…

There was a person in my life not that long ago, we'll call him Oops. We'd been friends for quite awhile, a couple years at the least. He really was one of my best friends, just someone that was always there when I needed to vent and always fun to hang out with. Everyone I knew had this "feeling" that he wanted a lot more from me then friendship, but I never saw it. Looking back now I think it was wishful thinking on my part, between The Boy and just that amount of confusion the last thing I wanted added to my life was the worry of hurting a really good friend. Well one night I made a mistake… after a bit too much alcohol, and a lot of feeling really alone, one thing led to another and we ended up making out for quite awhile. That was as far as it ever went, but it was a mistake. Not a mistake that I regretted it for happening, but more a mistake because I knew that the door I'd worked so hard to keep closed had been opened.

In the end, it all came out how he felt and I didn't know how to handle it. I made a huge mistake and lost one of the best friends I've ever known. At this point he won't even talk to me and I realize everyday how much I miss him, and being able to talk to him. I've tried to apologize numerous times, but it never gets me anywhere. The last apology I attempted to make didn't even get me a response, and the last thing I want to do is beg. I regret losing him so much, which in turn makes me reassess my feelings, but it's too late for any of that now and I realize that. I hate myself for it, but I realize it. I just wish I could repair some amount of friendship from all of this.

What got me thinking about this so much is the fact that a friend and I went and saw "The Holiday" Saturday night. (I do have to say, if you're a girl and you've ever dated that wrong guy, see this movie. You will love it!! There were parts where I was tearing up, and I related so well to it, it was scary!!) While watching the move and watching Jack Black's character on screen, I realized something… I realized that's what "Oops" was to me. He was that guy… you know the one, the one that can make you laugh no matter what is going on, the one that can tell you you look beautiful even when you have no make up on and you hair in a ponytail, the one that you know will always be true to you because they love you that much. I think there was actually a time when watching that movie that I teared up just because I was thinking so much about that. It was very hard for me to not pick up my phone at the end of the movie and beg him to forgive me, to give me another chance… something that I know he'll never do. I hurt him, and sadly I hurt him more then I ever thought I could hurt someone. I always thought he was that really great guy who I just wasn't attracted to, who didn't fit the mold of what I wanted in my life, but now I realize how stupid I was. I let the one person who actually got me, all of me, and let me just be walk away. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that… if I'll ever forgive myself for not giving him that chance, the one that he truly deserved. I do know that I will never be able to watch "Chasing Amy" and get to that scene in the rain with out crying. In fact, I feel myself tearing up here at work… gah.

I'm so sorry… I just want to keep saying that until it gets through, until I can make him see how much I honestly mean it and the fact that I've changed, that I've grown from that. I need some serious help….

I've returned from my abduction...

Well ok, so I wasn't really abducted... but I tried really hard to come up with a good excuse for my absence and found nothing. I suppose my best excuse is simply the truth, which is that I've not been in the mood to blog lately. I've been tired, and cranky and just stressed... which is funny cuz you think that would make me want to blog, but really it just made me want to hide in my room, under my covers.

The lovely doctors at Urgent Care last night decided I have strep throat. Oh wonderful!! So I've been dealing with the wonders of a sore throat, stuffy nose and slight fever. AND to add insult to injury, anyone ever realize that strep can cause a rash of sorts?? Well, it can. In all the years that I've had strep, and I used to get it religiously every year as a kid, I never got a rash with it... but now, now I look like I have really bad heat rash all over my body. It's hot, let me tell you!! Thankfully it's not on my neck or face, so thanks to the wonderful Wisconsin winters I've been able to hide under sweaters. I've also not been able to sleep the past 2 nights. It appears my body has decided that I only need about 10 minutes/hour of sleep. So therefore if I actually lay down to get about 6 hours of sleep, I'm averaging about an hour a night. Doesn't that sound wonderful? So basically I'm existing on caffeine, little sleep, and antibiotics.

Other then that, nothing too exciting has been going on in my world. Same issues with men that are, well always issues. I have decided I want to get my degree and be a Guidance Counselor, as soon as I figure out how to live and go to school. But I suppose at this point that's the extent of what's going on in my world. I'll update more when I'm feeling a bit better.

(LONG) Update

Ok so I've vanished lately, for that I apologize, but I have had so much going on in my little world that I don't know where to begin.

To start, a friend of mine gave birth to a gorgeous little baby boy on Tuesday, he's so cute!!! I spent the better part of 2 1/2 hours at the hospital last night.

In other news, IrishGirl (formerly known as M) and I have decided we're going to start a sitcom regarding the wonderous issues of dating in our lives. Please any names that you would like to throw at us are appreciated!!! I'll get into more of why we decided this a bit later, but the fact that we've known each other for 17 years and have been there through everything make the whole situation even more amusing!!

THE BOY is driving me slightly crazy. I don't get him, honestly. He tells me he has no clue what he's doing and he's so confused, and yet he misses me. I apparently don't know how hard all of this is on him, and so on. The thing that makes me laugh is that I gave him everything he said he wanted, I gave and I gave and I never asked for anything in return. At the moment I'm emotionally drained, at least where he is concerned. I have nothing left to give him, and that doesn't really bode well for him. I have said many times that I hit a certain point where I'm too exhausted and I stop fighting and just walk away. I've hit that point, at least very nearly. There are times when I honestly miss him, but they're less and less and it's more that I miss the guy I started dating and the potential he has. Funny, but I think I dated potential for a year. Ah well, live and learn right?!?

Now this is where the story gets interesting haha (This may be slightly long-winded, and I apologize for that but there's a lot of background that needs to be understood I think)

Friday I was having one of those days, the ones where the idea of having no plans and going home to do nothing just seemed like the worst idea. So realizing that KarBear was sick, I called up IrishGirl and vented to her. We hatched a plan to go out, since she didn't work until 10 on Saturday. I put my happy ass in my car and drove the 2 hours back home. We had a good time, discussed the issues with THE BOY and talked about her and IrishMan. (Which by the way, I just love how happy this boy makes my best friend!!! She was positively sickening how cute she was the whole time she was talking about him, and when he'd text her. I love it!!!) After a couple drinks I got a little goofy and decided to text (um, I hadn't thought of a name for him yet… shit…uh) Country Boy (it fits I suppose).

Now Country Boy is someone that we've known for years, high school actually. We were all really good friends, and our Junior year he decided he was in love with IrishGirl. So the entire year I spent playing referee to them. She was never sure how she felt about him, and he was persistent. Eventually though, he grew tired of waiting for her and started dating Bitch (sorry, I know it's not very creative, but seriously the best word to describe her. And I don't mean bitch in that complimentary way it can be used…just plain Bitch). After they'd been dating for awhile IrishGirl decided she'd made a huge mistake (hindsight huh??) and more drama ensued.

Country Boy and Bitch dated for about 2 years, through IrishGirl and my Senior year almost. After graduation we realized they'd broken up, through mutual friends since we rarely saw or spoke to Country Boy when he was dating her. So of course, IrishGirl and him started hanging out and eventually ended up dating. She was leaving for school (5 hours away… man I'm glad you're back home girl!!) at the end of summer, and apparently everything was going to be fine…no problems, life was good. (I was with THE EX at this time and rarely saw my friends…yes stupid I know… again, hindsight) Suddenly though, Country Boy vanished. We didn't get it, he finally had the girl he'd been "in love" with for years, and he started blowing her off. We found out later, like 2 years later, what the whole story was. It had to do with something very serious that was going on with a friend of his, which I won't post here, but he felt the need to be loyal and keep it a secret, as he'd been asked to do. However, it ended their relationship.

He fell off the radar again for awhile, found out later that he'd ended up dating another girl we'd gone to high school with and moved with her to where she was going to school. Then he ended up back home. We've kept in touch over the years here and there. We'd always lose touch and then end up finding each other again, the 3 of us seem to not be able to rid ourselves of the group I tell ya. I tried a few times to get him and IrishGirl back together, but it was no use, times had changed and so had people. She wasn't willing to open up to him again, and I can't say that I blame her.

So fast forward to Friday night… after a few drinks I decide to text him. We get to chatting and end up talking for 3 hours, yes 3 hours through text. Our convo started out innocently enough, I mean please I only said hi when I sent him the first message. However, somewhere along the way the whole convo changed and we were suddenly flirting.

Don't get me wrong here people, I'm a flirt… I KNOW I'm a flirt. I'm a flirt sober, get any alcohol in me and I'm even worse. So the fact that I was flirting with someone I was "buzz" texting didn't shock me, it was the fact that I was flirting with Country Boy and he'd started it!! I think I slightly felt my world shift a little that night, no joke. It ended with us making plans to hang out at his place the next night. When I finally fell asleep that night, I was so confused and baffled as to what had just happened… I mean this was Country Boy.

Now before any of you freak out about the whole, this is your best friends ex thing, she was sitting there with me the whole time and knew what he was saying to me… and was telling ME what to say back. She's been under the impression for months that him and I should date. I'm not sure what her line of thinking is, but she doesn't care and chalks it up to a lost high school relationship and why should she care?? Trust me, if I ever thought it would damage her and I in any way I'd walk away.

So along comes Saturday night, I hung out with another friend of mine for awhile and headed over to his house around 8 or so I guess. We sat around talking for awhile and then decided to watch a movie…and before any of you start laughing, we actually seriously watched the movie. There may have been some cuddling but that was it, and it was nice.

Ok, so I stayed there… and yes we actually slept!! (seriously people, get your minds out of the damn gutter, please) There may have been a whole lot of cuddling, and kissing, but that was it. (Please, my mind was so jumbled and confused to begin with, I was NOT going to add to that)

We have plans for tomorrow night too, and I'm so excited to see him again it's sickening. I've talked to him every freaking day since Friday night and I actually look forward to talking to him. I mean last night he ended up falling asleep before I got home from the hospital so when I called he was already asleep, and I missed talking to him because we'd only talked for a few minutes that day. I mean come on, what is wrong with me people?!?!?! I make fun of these giddy, hyper, smiley people, and now I'm becoming one of them. Aggghhhh!!! We decided we're just going with whatever this may be at the moment, because it's either that or just pretend like it didn't happen and neither of us want to do that.

So that's basically my story at the moment… I'll keep you all updated on how the weekend goes, and maybe I'll post tomorrow about how I actually feel, but figure this has gotten long enough already.

Aghhh!!!

Bad Timing

So I've been doing a lot of thinking today, and I've realized I could completely and totally let myself fall for E. Now here's the problem with that: both of us have been in relationships for the past several years, and both of us could probably really use the time alone to try and just be. We talked about it a little today because I finally got brave enough to bring up the subject and he even said, I really think I'm leaning towards being alone for a while. I can respect that, probably more then most people, but it doesn't help the fact that I could see myself really caring about him.

This brings me to the realization that I have the worst timing with things. I mean seriously, this is quite possibly the best guy I know and one that would treat me really well and I end up coming into his life when he doesn't want a girlfriend. How lovely... = I realize I could be patient and just see how things develop, I mean I could really use the time too, but patience is not my best virtue. I do realize it would be a slow thing either way, considering he's quite a ways away from me to begin with, but I just don't know. I really like him, and I like him in that way you end up liking someone when you're in high school and it's all new and all you do is smile. I haven't felt that in a long time. I never really felt that rush with THE BOY, and with THE EX there was a part of that, but I think it was more the way things with him and I progressed. THE BOY just kind of slowly developed, there was no rush. THE EX and I, well I don't even really know, I was so unsure for the first several months of that relationship that I don't know what you'd call it. I was happy, but that lasted for such a short period.

I suppose at this point I'll just play it by ear and see where it goes. Something tells me I could bend him to what I wanted, just a guess and feeling I have, but I don't want him to feel pressured, and I also don't want to push him away. So apparently he's now just my little play thing.... as I've dubbed him. Let's see how long I can play this game without getting burned.

Weekend

So I apologize, I've been a stranger lately. I've just had a lot going on and no time for anything it seems.

**Weekend Update**

I'll start a little early since something worth mentioning happened on Thursday.

*Thursday*
At 3am my phone goes off, it's a text tone I know all too well. THE BOY wants to know if he can come over and talk, he has things he wants to say. So of course, I let him…I realize I have no clue why I backed down and let him come over, I guess there was a part of my half asleep mind that still wanted to see what he had to say. I get the usual I really missed you while I was gone, I really think about you a lot and all the usual. I can honestly say that I don't know how I feel. I really feel like he isn't going to be ready to give me anything near what I need or want in the near future and I don't have the urge to wait around for him.

So I ended up being up from 3am on that morning… and yes Friday was the day I was leaving work at noon to go up and see E and I was on 5 hours of sleep for what was going to be a very long night.

*Friday*
Suffer through the 4 hours of work, I had no one to talk to as my desk partner was off that day and K had taken the day off, as had E. Grab a quick bite to eat and head to K's to meet her and T to head up.

I don't think I remembered how much I had liked being around E until I was up there again. To spare all of the details, it was very sweet and I smiled a lot. =)

Well that was until the multiple bottles of wine, straight whiskey and punch kicked my ass. Needless to say I blacked out and don't remember several hours, and ended up getting sick…lovely, and passing out on E's friends couch. Once I woke up I was completely fine again, so apparently I need to stay away from the damn wine.

*Saturday*
I didn't want to leave, once I woke up and started having parts of what I'd forgotten told to me. K wanted me to stay, but I couldn't ditch out on Shebelle and the party. So I headed down (several hours later then I should have) and had a good time at the party. My hair looked very cute and it was a good time, even if I was exhausted and decided to drive home at 3am…or wait I suppose at that point it really felt like 4am since we'd set the clocks back.

*Sunday*
I was lazy all day then went and saw The Departed, amazing movie I recommend to everyone. Then THE BOY text me to go see Saw 3 with him, and of course I had to go see it… I mean it's Saw 3!!! We had a good time, it was hard being around him and trying to make sure he saw it as us just being friends.

I'm not entirely sure what is going to happen but I know I really like E, but I have a very confusing situation going on with THE BOY right now and I'm not sure what to make of it. I think he's trying to prove more to me, I can see it in little things that he's doing but I'm not really sure how I feel about it all. I care about him, and I don't want to hurt him but I just don't think it'll work anymore. He's not anywhere near being ready to give me what I want and need, and I think there might be too much negative there for that to happen. He wants me in this limbo and I don't know what to make of it all. I'm going to have to push this just friends thing, and really hold my ground on this one. Aghhh…