OMG

Ok I don't have much time to post today... and I do want to apologize for being so sporadic but my computer has been fried at home for awhile now and I've been so busy at work I'm lucky I have time to breathe. However, I promise you an update sometime tomorrow because I have a story that I need to share... and it's about, what else, stupid ex's. I'm telling you I wish I could banish all of mine to Siberia... that might make my life a wee bit easier.

URGH

Ramblings

I used to think I knew what I wanted, used to think I had it. Then I realized that life was changing, things were changing and years just weren't enough to hold something together. I suffered heartache from that point on, suffered pain and tears... thought that I'd never find what I was looking for. And then, then I met you...

In such a short time you've given me hope, you've given me reasons to smile. You took my heart and you made me believe again. I don't think I could ever thank you enough, don't think I could ever show you the way you make me feel. When I'm with you my entire life seems to make sense, I'm a better person because you love me. The fact that you just understand, you get what I mean, that means more then anyone could imagine. You love me for me, all of me... something I never though I'd find.

Some people don't understand, they think they know what we should do. To them all I have to say is this, you aren't the ones that are in this, you aren't the ones making this work each day. The talks we have about anything and everything, the future, the present, the past... they mean the world to me. I love you baby, and thank you... for loving me, for getting me, and for giving me hope.

How fast is too fast?

You know I've never been one to believe in the whole love at first sight thing, I'm not that much of a hopeless romantic. I can't say that I've necessarily changed my mind on that but I can say that I've realized recently that time really has nothing to do with love. Sometimes when it's just there, it's there... and there isn't much you can do about it.

That's right everyone, I'm in love... and I know this because there isn't a day that goes by that those words don't almost slip out of my mouth when we're talking.
So when you hear Bless The Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...think of me.

Ok I think I died...

But I'm back now!!! I'm so sorry guys, it's not that I don't have stuff to blog about but I've just been completely busy. I seriously feel like I haven't quit running, even while I'm typing this I feel that way!! First off I hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!! My Christmas was good, even though right after it I ended up with the cold from Hell. Oh man, that was bad!! I seriously just felt like crawling in a hole and not getting out. Went from having strep, to this cold all within like 2 weeks... NOT FUN!!! Luckily though it was gone, for the most part, by New Years!!

To update everyone a bit, around the beginning of December I told all of the men in my life to take a hike. I had various reasons for each of them, but mainly they were just not healthy for me, and I couldn't do that anymore. I realized trying to have a friendship with The Boy was just exhausting and way too confusing, him not knowing what the heck he wanted anymore. He didn't handle it well, which is kind of funny when you think about the circumstances, and him being the one who did it all... but hey. So that was my goal to start the New Year stress free, and so far it's worked!!

So, I know you all want the juicy gossip... haha. I met up with a friend that I haven't seen in awhile on New Years Eve after he was done driving limo, Sweetie (this is just what I'm going with LOL). This boy is amazing people, I haven't stopped smiling since New Years, and I don't do giddy!! I haven't felt this way for someone in a long time, just this whole happiness thing. When I'm with him, I feel comfortable, happy, content... these are things that I never feel. I'm just hoping that I don't wake up one day and have all of this disappear!!

I'll update more when I get the chance, but back to work for me!!

Confessions of a Stupid Girl

So I started this awhile ago, and haven't done it in awhile, I think I'll do another!

Confessions:
#1~ I know you're fire, I've known it from the beginning, and yet I can't seem to walk away

#2~ I don't think anyone has ever looked at me the way you were last night, it had my stomach in knots the whole night.

#3~ There isn't a day that goes by that you aren't on my mind.

#4~ It was so hard to not touch you last night, just something simple, but I knew I couldn't

#5~ Everytime you'd grab my hand when you walked by all I could do was smile

#6~ The things you said to me made me feel things that I swore I'd never feel for you.

#7~ I don't know how much longer I can do this.

#8~ As bad as this makes me feel, for all the obvious reasons, the idea of walking away hurts

#9~ Why did we start this? Both of us knew we were and are trouble for the other

#10~ There is so much about you that should make me mad, that should make me want to run away, and yet I sit and think about the next time we'll have time.

#11~ When is this going to implode?

#12~ I wonder if you realize, like I do, that this will never end well… it can't.

#13~ I've managed to keep my heart safe from you, at least I think I have

#14~ I know you did what you felt and thought you had to

#15~ I told you once in the very beginning that you wanted both worlds, the one where you did what was right, and the one where you did what was right for you, because they aren't the same thing… I told you then you'd have to make a choice, you still do.

#16~ I wonder how you'd react if I ended all this…

#17~ Then I worry that there won't be any reaction at all, that thought scares the shit out of me for some reason

#18~ When I turned around last night and saw you my stomach dropped for a second… how do you have that ability?!

#19~ I wonder what would have been had we met a few years ago, would it have clicked the way it has now?

#20~ I realize that I'm probably going to be the one who ends up hurting you, and then again I wonder if you'd even be hurt or just move on

#21~ I hate thinking that's all I am, even though that's all I should be

I'm so sorry...

So I have debated about blogging about this for several reasons, mainly because it's very personal to me, but this is my blog and I can do or say what I want to. Right? Right. So here it goes…

There was a person in my life not that long ago, we'll call him Oops. We'd been friends for quite awhile, a couple years at the least. He really was one of my best friends, just someone that was always there when I needed to vent and always fun to hang out with. Everyone I knew had this "feeling" that he wanted a lot more from me then friendship, but I never saw it. Looking back now I think it was wishful thinking on my part, between The Boy and just that amount of confusion the last thing I wanted added to my life was the worry of hurting a really good friend. Well one night I made a mistake… after a bit too much alcohol, and a lot of feeling really alone, one thing led to another and we ended up making out for quite awhile. That was as far as it ever went, but it was a mistake. Not a mistake that I regretted it for happening, but more a mistake because I knew that the door I'd worked so hard to keep closed had been opened.

In the end, it all came out how he felt and I didn't know how to handle it. I made a huge mistake and lost one of the best friends I've ever known. At this point he won't even talk to me and I realize everyday how much I miss him, and being able to talk to him. I've tried to apologize numerous times, but it never gets me anywhere. The last apology I attempted to make didn't even get me a response, and the last thing I want to do is beg. I regret losing him so much, which in turn makes me reassess my feelings, but it's too late for any of that now and I realize that. I hate myself for it, but I realize it. I just wish I could repair some amount of friendship from all of this.

What got me thinking about this so much is the fact that a friend and I went and saw "The Holiday" Saturday night. (I do have to say, if you're a girl and you've ever dated that wrong guy, see this movie. You will love it!! There were parts where I was tearing up, and I related so well to it, it was scary!!) While watching the move and watching Jack Black's character on screen, I realized something… I realized that's what "Oops" was to me. He was that guy… you know the one, the one that can make you laugh no matter what is going on, the one that can tell you you look beautiful even when you have no make up on and you hair in a ponytail, the one that you know will always be true to you because they love you that much. I think there was actually a time when watching that movie that I teared up just because I was thinking so much about that. It was very hard for me to not pick up my phone at the end of the movie and beg him to forgive me, to give me another chance… something that I know he'll never do. I hurt him, and sadly I hurt him more then I ever thought I could hurt someone. I always thought he was that really great guy who I just wasn't attracted to, who didn't fit the mold of what I wanted in my life, but now I realize how stupid I was. I let the one person who actually got me, all of me, and let me just be walk away. I don't know if I'll ever forgive myself for that… if I'll ever forgive myself for not giving him that chance, the one that he truly deserved. I do know that I will never be able to watch "Chasing Amy" and get to that scene in the rain with out crying. In fact, I feel myself tearing up here at work… gah.

I'm so sorry… I just want to keep saying that until it gets through, until I can make him see how much I honestly mean it and the fact that I've changed, that I've grown from that. I need some serious help….

I've returned from my abduction...

Well ok, so I wasn't really abducted... but I tried really hard to come up with a good excuse for my absence and found nothing. I suppose my best excuse is simply the truth, which is that I've not been in the mood to blog lately. I've been tired, and cranky and just stressed... which is funny cuz you think that would make me want to blog, but really it just made me want to hide in my room, under my covers.

The lovely doctors at Urgent Care last night decided I have strep throat. Oh wonderful!! So I've been dealing with the wonders of a sore throat, stuffy nose and slight fever. AND to add insult to injury, anyone ever realize that strep can cause a rash of sorts?? Well, it can. In all the years that I've had strep, and I used to get it religiously every year as a kid, I never got a rash with it... but now, now I look like I have really bad heat rash all over my body. It's hot, let me tell you!! Thankfully it's not on my neck or face, so thanks to the wonderful Wisconsin winters I've been able to hide under sweaters. I've also not been able to sleep the past 2 nights. It appears my body has decided that I only need about 10 minutes/hour of sleep. So therefore if I actually lay down to get about 6 hours of sleep, I'm averaging about an hour a night. Doesn't that sound wonderful? So basically I'm existing on caffeine, little sleep, and antibiotics.

Other then that, nothing too exciting has been going on in my world. Same issues with men that are, well always issues. I have decided I want to get my degree and be a Guidance Counselor, as soon as I figure out how to live and go to school. But I suppose at this point that's the extent of what's going on in my world. I'll update more when I'm feeling a bit better.